Audition Stress and Vocal Mess

I have to admit that the most stressful part about being an actor/singer for me is auditioning. Once I have a role or job, I'm good to go. Stage fright is not something I have ever struggled with, and I have never been one of those actors who wakes up in a cold sweat after a dream about forgetting lines or wearing the wrong costume. Memorizing comes easily to me. I find character analysis fun and interesting. But finding, applying for, and preparing for auditions is something over which I find myself losing sleep.

Usually, actors have to find an opportunity for auditions WAY before the audition actually happens. Auditions often require prior submission of paper applications, headshots, and fees. Once all of that has been taken care of, we're left with a month or two to obsess about monologue choices and song cuts, spending hours over-analyzing the order in which we perform said monologue/song, and timing how long it takes to say "Hi, I'm Katherine Lee Parker, number 43," complete the audition, and say "Thank you, Katherine Lee Parker, number 43."

We only get 90 seconds to represent ourselves to our potential employers. 90 seconds to convince a director that we're perfect for a role in a show that he's been thinking about and planning on directing for over a year. That is A TON of pressure! Finding a way to say "This is exactly who I am as a performer" in 90 seconds is nearly impossible. We can't waste a moment of it. And every second of that audition needs to be perfection.

I recently underwent a great deal of the stress of audition-prep without having the opportunity to reap any of the rewards. I signed up for the Alabama screening of Southeastern Theatre Conference, a giant convention to which hundreds of professional theatres turn to find their actors for summer shows. It is a fantastic opportunity for college students to build their resumes during the summer break and a great way to make connections in the theatre world. After completing my application, getting references, submitting my headshot, and sending in the $25 application fee, I began mulling over possibilities for audition material. But as I began to sing through my options, I found that my voice was much raspier than usual. My talking voice grew steadily frog-like and I had trouble sustaining notes when I sang. My voice would crack at unexpected times, and I struggled through songs that would ordinarily have come quite easily to me.

I have had a vocal condition called "nodules" two other times in my life, and I became very concerned (if not fearful) that the blisters had resurfaced on my vocal chords for a third time. One visit to the ENT proved my self-diagnosis to be correct, and I am now on my second straight week of vocal rest (the unfortunate but effective treatment of nodules). As a result of not being able/allowed to sing, I could not attend SETC last weekend and my chances for finding summer work with the theatres who "shop" at the conference became inexistent. I was really disappointed that I was robbed of the opportunity to audition this year. Luckily, SETC is not the only conference out there.

I'm now scrambling to find other conferences and auditions where I will get the chance to put in my bid for summer work, and I have already begun a couple of applications. Fortunately, those auditions don't happen until February and March of next semester and my vocal chords will have sufficient time to heal. I will also have sufficient time to obsess about and over-analyze my 90 seconds of self-representation to death.

I have five more weeks of vocal rest left. Refraining from singing is terribly difficult for me, and it's even more difficult to try to prepare for other upcoming auditions while not being able to sing through cuts of songs. I'm willing to do it, though. This is the life I have chosen for myself and while this one aspect of it is very stressful, it is an incredible life.

Where has the time gone?

I feel like I blinked and it's October. I do love October, though. The weather, especially in the first weeks, is absolutely stunning. It's such a wonderful time to be a student at Alabama. This campus never looked prettier than it does today. (Plus, it doesn't hurt that we have the best football team in the country and are currently in the throws of our second "perfect season.")

I obviously haven't written on here in a while. Life has gotten very busy and taken me on quite the adventure this semester, but you won't find me complaining.

I'm in the rehearsal process of a fantastic show called "The Bourgeois Gentlemen" in which I play a character WITH A NAME! Which has been, up to this point, unheard of for me at this university. The cast is incredibly talented and handling the very funny, very difficult text quite well. Our director is absolutely amazing--I've never seen anyone direct with as much energy or enthusiasm. He's everything I would want to be as a director. And we open in 13 days! It is crazy exciting. I can't wait to get started.

I've been able to hold on to my awesome job despite having rehearsals every day, which has been a blessing. I'm obviously not making nearly as much money right now because I work one morning a week, but I'm very lucky to have a job to return to after the show is finished. Especially such a great one where I get to work with my best friend.

Classes are difficult but not overwhelming. I'm enjoying my Dance 210 class, which is full of the new musical theatre students. I am the only upperclassman in the class, and it's been a wonderful opportunity to get to mentor some of the younger students and get to know them better. We dance together outside of class once a week just for fun, to stretch and help each other out. I love getting to spend time with the freshmen. They're all so vivacious and silly. A breath of fresh air. My Italian class is challenging, which is exciting for me because I feel like I'm being pushed to learn quickly and put a lot of effort into the class. It will definitely help me in preparing for my Italian Language Certification in the flight attendant application process.

I've gotten to spend a lot more time with my friends this semester than I have in the past, and it has been AMAZING! I love having free time to meet up with Rebekah for lunch or dinner before rehearsal or with Donna at the rec to kick our butts into shape. I've never had an easy time forming friendships with females for a long list of reasons established in high school, but this summer and fall have been wonderful for me in that area. Rebekah, Jordan, Donna, and Rachel are such blessings in my life. And I've been able to form closer relationships with the kids in the theatre department, which hasn't really happened until this year. It's been a fantastic change of pace. I have especially loved getting to know Michelle better. We run a "Member/Pledge Family" in Alpha Psi Omega where we get together with some of the freshmen and just get some quality time in. We're the mama bears to our bear family. And she's awesome.

And speaking of awesome friends I'm getting to know better, I've recently started a new relationship with Mister Norman Frank, who is handsome and wonderful and oh-so-good to me. It's a new situation so I don't have a whole lot to report on it as of now, other than that I'm very happy.

Between rehearsals, work, classes, friendships, Alpha Psi Omega, and a budding relationship, it's no wonder I find myself halfway through the semester without realizing how fast time is flying. This senior year is going to be over before I know it. And then what? Maybe flight attending, maybe getting a second bachelor's degree, maybe going to grad school...the options are endless. The world is wide open, and I'm so excited about seeing where it takes me.

Unknowns

If, doubled over,

There is pain

Like the stab

Of a knife in the flesh,

But no blood flow,

What is it?

If, eyes brimming,

There are tears

Like the rush

Of the falls,

But no cause for sadness,

What is it?

If, arms embraced,

There's a surge

Like the shock

Of a bolt, tips to toes,

But no love,

What is it?

What is it about the

What-is-its

That make us so scared

To find out

What it is?

Blogging is Complicated

I wrote a poem today about a way in which my best friend hurt me this summer. I posted it on here earlier and have now taken it down... I have no idea if he saw it or not, but for some reason I felt weird about it being on here. It's hard to know what will hurt people and therefore quite difficult to know what exactly is worth posting. While it'd be nice to get feedback on my poem and let people know what I've been going through, I also don't want to make a tough situation worse by hurting feelings when healing should be taking place. Blogging creates a bit of a conundrum... This is a place to write about feelings and reflect on life, but one must be aware of how their writing affects other people. I suppose a poem like that would be better for an off-line journal.

I think protecting the feelings of others is probably more important than expressing my not-so fantastic feelings towards them in the heat of the moment.

There's a lot to be said for freedom.

It's amazing how easily we, as Americans, forget how blessed we are to live in this country with the liberties our forefathers were able to secure for us. It's even more amazing to me how willing we are to allow those liberties to be tampered with, to slowly peter away. We forget how difficult it was to procure these freedoms in the first place; we allow our country's history--the blood shed out of passion for American rights--to become simple trivia. "Oh yeah, 7,200 Americans died in battle during the Revolutionary War." ...yeah. 7,200 Americans. Forget your 300 Fake Jeopardy dollars and realize that 7,200 lives were given up for your sake! For all of our sakes. And that was just on the battle field. Yet another 10,000 died from either disease or exposure and an estimated 8,500 died in British prisons (according to digitalhistory.uh.edu). The numbers speak for themselves. Our freedom was bought at an enormous price.

We seem entitled to our way of life--that it's not extraordinary that we are allowed to speak, work, pray, and live as we please. I think this ignorance and sense of entitlement is what blinds so many to the dangers of extended government control. The more limitations we have over us, the less ability we have to live our lives as we please. It's not rocket science. Unfortunately, people are willing to hand control over to the government in far too many areas, even to the extent of endangering themselves in matters of self-defense.Thank God for the Supreme Court's ruling that Chicago's handgun ban was unconstitutional. The fact that it even had to go to the Supreme Court is the real tragedy. The truth is, the bad guys are always going to have guns. Whether they're banned or not. But enough people thought it was a good idea to take away the only defense the good people of Chicago had against armed attackers because just maybe the criminal minds of Chicago would heed the gun ban. What a joke! The right to bear arms, ensured for Americans in the 2nd Amendment of the Constitution, is a GIFT. To see it as anything else is foolishness. We have the right to protect ourselves. Not everyone is allowed such a freedom.

I could go on all day about the ways in which current bills/laws (cough...health care...) are encroaching upon the freedoms that were hard-won by those who came before us. But what I really want to say is that America needs to open its eyes. Look around at the incredible opportunities we're provided because our forefathers refused to settle for anything less than complete freedom. We, too, MUST not settle. If we do, we'll forfeit what so many others would give everything to have.

The American's Creed

By William Tyler Page

I believe in the United States of America as a government of the people, by the people, and for the people; whose just powers are derived from the consent of the governed; a democracy in a republic; a sovereign Nation of many sovereign States; a perfect union, one and inseparable; established upon those principles of freedom, equality, justice, and humanity, for which American patriots sacrificed their lives and fortunes.

I therefore believe it is my duty to my country to love it, to support its Constitution, to obey its laws, to respect its flag, and to defend it against all enemies.

224 years ago today, the Founding Fathers decided that what we now have was worth fighting for. I believe with my whole self that they were right. And I will not take their sacrifices for granted.

Happy birthday, America. May you always be the land of the free and the home of those brave enough to fight for you.

The Summer Plan

It is so easy to fall into the thought pattern of, "Well, when I get out of college, that will be my real 'new start.' That will be the launch of my real life." But what if I want my new start to start...now? I don't want to have to wait a year for my real life to begin. I'm tired of waking up with the same mental processes. I'm stuck. I'm a nut in a rut, as they say. And while where I am is ok, I'd really like to aim for an unprecedented incredible.

This summer, I'd like to rejuvenate myself physically, mentally, and spiritually. How? Well, I'll tell you the plan. :)

I have begun to get out of my physical rut by going to classes at the rec, and my body already feels better. It's an amazing sensation to not be stagnant, to be able to feel improvement in my muscles and joints. I'm in pain most of the time, because we all know that the beginning of a new work-out routine is nothing but pain, but I'm excited for the day that I wake up and just feel refreshed and ready for a new physical challenge. It's coming. I can feel it.

My schedule is:

Mondays- 30 minutes of cardio (elliptical) and Arms, Back, and Belly from 1:15-2 with my favorite instructor Brook

Tuesdays- 30 minutes of cardio, Mat Pilates from 12:10-1, and Hips, Butts, and Guts from 2:15-3

Wednesdays- 30 minutes of cardio and Arms, Back, and Belly from 4-4:45 (as long as work allows)

Thursdays- 30 minutes of cardio and Mat Pilates from 12:10-1

Fridays- 30 minutes of cardio and Hips, Butts, and Guts from 1:15-2 (WITH BROOK!)

That makes 6 classes a week, with cardio every day. I'll rest on the weekends, unless I feel like doing cardio.

I'm also going to be playing tennis with Russ sometimes, which makes me happy. It'll be a good work out and good friend time as well.

Mentally, I just want to be more open-minded. I'm going to work each day to have a more positive outlook than the last, and when I find myself slumping back into the same patterns that get me into my negative place, I'm going to catch myself. If what I'm doing at the time isn't helping my mental state, I'm going to leave where I am. I'll change my plans for the day. I'll change my behavior. Whatever it takes. I'm not settling for a summer containing any kind of self-loathing, self-pity, or self-demoralization. I have control over what I allow myself to encounter and a loving Father in heaven to help me when I'm too weak to see the good in myself.

I'm also going to always be reading a good book. I have a shelf full of amazing novels and nonfiction awesomeness that will be highly instrumental in helping me expand my mind this summer. Right now, I'm aiming to finish "Catch 22" in the next 2 weeks. It's a incredible book, and I can't wait to blog about how much I love it. :)

And spiritually, I'm going to make it a point to be at the Vineyard every Sunday morning. And I'm going to be actively searching for a Wednesday night worship service for the summer. Because I love those. And, of course, I need to make myself a schedule for when I can spend time in the Word. Cause I'm really bad about making time for such things. And what could be more important?? Nothing. That's what.

So those are the goals. I'm just...really not ready to settle right now. There's no reason to do so. Life is too short and too full of opportunity to waste.

Kansas City, May 18, 12:07 P.M.

My trip is coming to a close. It is time that it did, as I have many things to do back in Tuscaloosa, but I am so glad that I’ve had the time away that I have! My visit with Claire was fantastic.

From the airport on Saturday night, we went straight to her apartment, which is right off of the KU campus. I got in terribly late because of the flight difficulties in Memphis (6 hours of iPod bonding), so we couldn’t really do anything “fun,” but we had a good time catching up just the same. After some chatter and some amazing Pizza Shuttle pepperoni with extra cheese, we popped Clueless into the DVD player and I conked out wayyy before it was over. We woke up late on Sunday and ate leftover pizza for breakfast, packed up, and left to explore! Claire drove me through campus and showed me the buildings she spends most of her time in. KU’s campus is gorgeous; the buildings are made of beautiful, huge stone and are architecturally stunning. I’m really glad I got tour while we were there. J

After we left KU, we drove to Lenexa, where the Shelleys live, and went to the Nelson, a huge museum with an amazing modern art wing. Unfortunately, we didn’t have enough time for the whole museum, but we did get to peruse the modern art section for a good while. They have an awesome collection. I loved it. And I loved getting to go with Claire! I feel so uneducated when I talk about the art with a learned student like herself. I tend to murmur things about perspective, shading, and stroke patterns, most of which are likely way off base. But it was still fun.

After the Nelson, we drove to the Shelley’s house and ate dinner with Mr. and Mrs. Shelley. It was good to catch up with them, and the lasagna was delicious. We left from there to see “Date Night,” the absolutely hilarious movie starring Steve Carrel and Tina Fey that made me laugh so hard I cried multiple times. When we got back to the house, I got to catch up with Russell for a while, which was great. Kinda weird. But great.

The next day was an airport attempt, which failed, followed by an awesome night of pasta and my first hookah experience in Lawrence near Claire’s college apartment. Hookah is fun and weird. I won't be making a habit of it or anything, but that will probably not be the last time I do it. Never let it be said that not getting a seat on a flight home is the worst thing that could happen. Claire and I really enjoyed our extra night together. She practiced tattooing with henna on my foot, creating a design I’ve considered putting there for some time. I’m following Mom’s advice, going the fake route for an extended amount of time to figure out how tired of it I’m going to get. J When we were both exhausted, we drove home to Lenexa and slept at the Shelley’s house before coming to the airport this morning.

Our days were obviously very full of adventures, but we had great conversations along the way. Claire is an amazing person, so full of creativity and independence. She is strong and funny and ready to put her passion into practice in the world. She’s going to be an incredible tattoo artist, and she’s going to have a wonderful opportunity through her field to reach the lost and tell them how much Christ loves them.

We’re thinking about living together in Atlanta (Buckhead or Decatur) once I’ve graduated and been hired by Delta and she has an apprenticeship set up with a tattoo parlor in the city. I’m pretty darn excited about it. J

I’m sad to be ending my journey today, but I’ve certainly imposed on Claire and her family for long enough. It is time to return to sweet home Alabama. I will be happy to be settled back into my apartment and my own bed. I’ve had enough airports, at least for the next 5 days or so.

I am content. I feel like I’ve put a lot of distance between myself and the frustrations I left in Tuscaloosa on Friday. I’m really excited about this summer and all of the opportunity it holds for me. Life is so, so good. Even when it’s hard.

I would like to make a side note. My family was amazing and so helpful this weekend whenever I called for advice or help listing for one flight or another. And they never gave me a hard time about how ridiculous it was to take on a trip of this magnitude. I love them with my whole self.

Lenexa, May 17, 1:21 P.M.

I’ve had an amazing visit with Claire. I will write about it when my head is a bit clearer.

I just had a big argument with Russell about the definition of a “long life.” It started over a discussion about a large chef who was cooking an unhealthy dinner for herself and her friends. I commented that she is cutting her life short by not being proactive and Russell kind of jumped on my comment, arguing that my definition of “short” is skewed. He thinks that 50 years, as long as it’s filled with love and doing what you want to do, is a very long life. I argued back that it is not long at all. It may be full, but long, comparatively to the rest of the human race today, is at least 70, maybe 80 or 90. It’s hard for me, getting into fights with Russ about stuff like this, because I know his sensitivity to life’s “length” or “fullness” is a direct result of his losing his best friend Devin when he was only 21. It makes me sad to have struck a nerve with Russell—all I meant to do was comment about the value in being proactive, in extending your life to be with your family for a longer amount of time by actively pursuing health. I certainly didn't mean to start a deep discussion about what makes a life "long." Unfortunately, to him, I ended up sounding ignorant and petty. I still hold by what I said. I think people need to be proactive about health so that they can extend their lives to live to the fullest for as long as they can. I did not, however, mean that a short life cannot be full or worthwhile. Or that a long and unhappy life is anywhere close to as valuable as a short, full one.

It’s still tough being around Russell. It makes me sad to know what he has gone through and see how it has and still is affecting him, especially because I knew him so well prior to Devin’s death. He is different now. Not worse; just different. I do hope that he is able to make a very full life for himself. I wish so much happiness for him. And I hope that he and Maddie keep making each other’s lives better. I’m glad he has found someone to make him smile.

Memphis, May 15, 1:02 P.M.

I have had an amazing time with Hannah! Her boyfriend, Andy, and she picked me up from O’Hare and we drove out to their place in the Rogers Park section of Chicago. It’s not in the middle of downtown or near the lake or anything…it’s in a quieter little section of the city. I like her apartment. It’s very…Hannah. J Which means there are dance pictures on every wall and the shelves are filled with excellent movies. We got to catch up for a while and then met up with Ethan and Vicky at Pickwick’s, an adorable diner-type place. It was so random (and a little weird!) to have my Landmark world and my Alabama world collide in a place like Chicago, but it was so fun! After dinner, Hannah, Andy, and I went around town taking pictures by fountains and the Leaning Tower of Pisa. Yeah, if you didn’t know already, they moved it to Chicago. J It was a very silly, very awesome night.

It was so good to get to catch up with Hannah. She never ceases to amaze me. Her life is not easy; it never has been. It seems like she encounters one obstacle after another in nearly every facet of her life, especially her health. She has had to stop dancing, which is her true passion, to try to recover from a myriad of health issues which don’t seem to be getting all that much better. But as she constantly tackles these very frustrating hurdles, she really has kept an excellent attitude. She seems optimistic and happy. She is so open-minded about where her life might go…she has no demands of it, but rather is simply looking to see what will come. And with whatever life hands her at one moment or another, she runs—she works really hard to make the money she needs and is just…doing life. It’s amazing to see one of the kids I’ve known since 6^th grade actually “doing” life. Maybe that’s because I’m stuck in college world and the real world and the people in it seem foreign to me. But it makes me proud to see how strong she is and who she is becoming.

I have GOT to get back up to Chicago to see her more often. We had so, so much fun talking and laughing and being the complete dorks we will never not be.

I’m waiting now for my flight to Kansas City to see Claire! We’re going to explore KC…museums and parks and such. J I’m excited.

Chicago, May 14, 4:55 P.M.

I’ve reached my final destination for the night! Except for the driving to Hanno’s house part. I am so excited to get to spend time with Hannah. She and I have always been the friends that have the same relationship when we’re together despite how much time goes by between visits. I LOVE it. J Hanno and Kato reunite!

I brought the most incredible pillow with me on this trip. I didn’t even know how amazing it was until this last flight. Best. Coach-class. Airplane. Nap. EVER. I seriously slept the entire flight. I don’t think I will be willing to travel without it ever again.

I’m waiting for Hannah to get here right now (she was at a show in Milwaukee this afternoon), so I’m sitting in the airport. I have absolutely no problem with this, which is something one of my friends doesn’t seem to comprehend. He keeps texting me about how much waiting for someone at the airport sucks, and I’m just thinkin’…Don’t bring me down, man! I’m loving everything about this vacation. The flying, the meeting random people, the scouring of O’Hare to find the one outlet where I can plug in my computer underneath an escalator…it’s all fun for me. Of course, seeing Hannah’s very missed face and laughing with her for the next 7 or 8 hours before we pass out is going to take the cake, but there is something to like about each part of this journey. My one rule for this weekend (during which oh so much could go wrong) is: no negativity. Whatever happens, happens. I will make the most of it. There’s so much to be made of it!!

Ah, iPod. How you are always so appropriate. Shuffle just turned to Mat Kearney’s “Chicago.” Amazing. J

Stepping through the haze one more day
On wide open road
On and on, the lights come and go
And everything I might not even know
What is the distance? On through the resistance…

When I left Tuscaloosa this morning, I was frustrated. I was fed up with some things in my life that have lately been making me very inwardly-focused and not nearly optimistic enough. I was lonely. I am still these things. But it’s getting better with every step I take on this trip. This a vacation for cleansing, for renewal. For time with me and God and some of the amazing people He has given me in my life. It’s time to turn the focus outward, to grab hold of life before it passes me by mid-wallow. There is no time for wallowing! Life is happening now. This is a kick-start to a better summer mentality for me. I won’t spend any more time ignoring the goodness around me.

Memphis, May 14, 1:06 P.M.

I feel so grown up. And like such a kid at the same time.

There is something very freeing and validating about flying alone. Which accounts for my feeling grown up. And the kid part? I’ve decided on my own to take an adventure that is probably a little dumb because it’s cramming in a ton in a small amount of time and miraculous availability of flights is the only way I can pull it off. But I’ve taken it anyway, and I could not be happier.

Today’s journey started with a bump in Birmingham when I had to switch to a Memphis flight instead of an Atlanta flight ten minutes before push back. It was a scramble, but the gate agents were very kind and worked me in and I got a seat! And it turns out that the necessary change in destination was quite a blessing, not only because I have a much more open flight to Chicago from here, but because I had the pleasure of chatting with a blind Army veteran for the past hour.

He did not share his war stories or the details of his apparently painful existence. He did, however, advise me on life in general. He stressed to me the value in listening to the older and wiser people around me. We discussed the importance of studying history and the horrible mistake of ignorance. And we talked about the necessity of seeing the large picture in Christianity rather than getting lost in the details of denominational theology. He then asked about my family and listened intently while I described the types of familial relationships that he later reflected he had always wanted. He told me that my parents had done an incredible job with me. He told me that he was proud of me. I shook his hand, and we went our separate ways.

I don’t have a deep revelation to share about our interaction. I simply enjoyed our banter, our mutual respect for the study of life. We had the same appreciation for the past—for learning from others’ mistakes so that we didn’t have to make them ourselves. And he was impressed with the person I’ve become in my first 21 years. That made me smile. I was happy to be a light in his sadly (and literally) darker life for an hour on a random Friday.

This trip is going to be amazing. I can feel it.

I have been introduced to an entirely new category of discrimination that I, as an ignorant straight woman, have never considered possible.

One of my dearest friends is a very confident and openly gay man, but aside from his perfectly blown-dry hair, you wouldn't know it by looking at him. He is broad-shouldered and carries himself in a very masculine way. He wears Ralph Lauren solid-colored polos and khaki shorts of normal, modest length. He wears work boots and baseball hats. He looks just like an average guy.
As a result of this conservative style, he has suffered at the merciless hands of the more flamboyant gay community on campus. They tease him about his boots and look down on him for his modesty. They verbally attack him for his demeanor and ostracize him from their clique, saying that he is an embarassment to "their community."
I'm sorry, but...an EMBARASSMENT? Really? This boy, who goes out of his way to make everyone he knows absolutely comfortable, is an embarassment because he is confident enough to not have to hide behind the stereotype for which he has been judged his entire life. The group of people who have criticized him are the ones buying into said stereotype. They push their sexual orientation on people, making sure that there is no doubt that they are, 100%, gay and PROUD OF IT!

Hey, more power to you if you're gay. Honestly. I will absolutely not love you any less. Be proud of who you are, and be proud of the confidence you have in your identity. But if you're really that confident in that identity, then you should not feel the need to press it into everyone you come in contact with. Don't hide behind the make-up, the tight jeans, the crazy hats and bright hair. I mean, if you really are simply that colorful, then go for it! I love a good personal style. But don't you dare, then, judge someone else for having the confidence to be exactly who they are as well.
Shame on you! You have, without a doubt, grown up with judgement and discrimination haunting you every day. You know what it's like to be jeered at, to be publicly embarassed, to be mistreated because you are "different." How can you, then, knowing what that is like, turn around and judge someone from your own community for not fitting into the "right" mold? You hypocrites! You were judged for not fitting in, and you turn around and judge others for their not fitting in with you! How can you hate those who judge you for the very same reasons you judge someone else? How can you protest so strongly against the discrimination against you when you discriminate against each other?
You have to realize that you are weaking your own arguments for universal acceptance. You're shooting yourselves in the foot. If the rest of the world is to look upon you with nonjudging eyes, perhaps the revolution should begin within.

Take a look in the mirror. Wipe away the make-up and look inside. Become confident in the soul that lies beneath the exterior that the outside world has labeled as "homosexual." And learn to love others for the same reason you want to be loved: who they are beneath the surface.

My friend recently wrote this response to those who judge him:

"Excuse me for not wearing make-up.
Excuse me for not wearing the most fashion-forward hairstyles.
Excuse me for not strutting around campus in the gayest boots imaginable.
Excuse me for not making a drunk fool of myself in public.
Excuse me for not walking around with a shit-eating grin on my face thinking I'm the deal.
Excuse me for being me."

I think we could all use a little dose of humility. A little dose of respect. A little dose of love.

I love you, Jacob. You are gorgeous, inside and out. Your confidence inspires me.

I am lucky to know you.

Andrò in Italia nella primavera 2011!

I wrote a long email to my parents yesterday explaining all of the reasons why I am changing the dates of my trip to Italy to be in the spring semester of my senior year instead of the fall, and I wanted to share them with anyone else who was wondering. So...here goes. :)

I will start with my reasons to not go in the fall.

My primary reason for not going this fall is because of Ashley and Matt's wedding. I am essentially her maid of honor (the maid of honor is her little sister), and I've been asked to speak and help arrange showers/parties/everything else maids of honor do. I wouldn't be able to fulfill any of these tasks while being in Italy, and thinking about missing all of these pre-wedding things for two of my best friends truly breaks my heart. So I have decided it is not worth missing. If I did go to Italy this fall, I would miss all of those things and only be able to show up for the wedding ceremony (which is the weekend before exams in Italy...barf...). It's simply to costly for me, in terms of life experience.

Secondly, Mallory's final semester at UA is this fall. Our friendship has gotten way stronger this year, and I can't imagine missing out on our time together during her last semester. Also, Cat will have more free time so all of us girls could finally be together again and just be college kids together. It's quite a priceless thing, to me.

Thirdly, Alabama is playing Auburn, Penn State, and Florida at home this year. My senior year. My last football season of $5 tickets and being with my friends in the stands. Like...WHOA. It hurts my tummy to think about missing that.

Fourthly, if I get an awesome job this summer that I love, I can continue to work at that location throughout the fall and earn a lot more money towards my trip to Italy. It would help me not have such a hole in my pocket from the student loan.

Fifthly, I could apply for scholarship through API. I have not planned in enough advance to do so for the fall, but if I got a scholarship (because I would apply extra early for the spring), that would be even less of a hole in my pocket.

Sixthly, Dinan is coming home and will be here in the fall. If I leave in the fall, I will essentially be spending a year without Dinan. That is a terrible tragedy.

Seventhly, I have begun working on a new type of singing in my voice class right now that I have never known myself to be capable of. My teacher gets wide eyes and a proud smile every time we have a lesson, and I feel that I am at the height of my progress thus far. I am nervous to put a hiatus on my voice lessons at this point, when I've only just begun to really find my inner belter. He has voiced his own concerns with a break in our training, which has made me second-guess my timing. I want another semester of continuous work so that I can be confident in the training I will graduate with.

Now, I will talk about my reasons to go in the spring.

First of all, spring is notoriously AWESOME in Italy. The weather is supposed to be phenomenal, which would be ideal for my weekend travels. :)

Secondly, I would have all of spring break to journey through Europe (as opposed to the fall, during which I would have no extended break during which I could country-hop). Janie (and Lindsey) could join me for the week and experience some European awesomeness with me without having to rush during the short fall break to get to Italy and back, dealing with the crazy jet lag in just 3 days.

Thirdly, instead of having my Christmas break cut short, it would be elongated while my summer "break" (aka time to find a job and be an adult) would only be a couple of weeks shorter. This allows for a lot more breathing room and relaxation.

Fourthly, it does not conflict with any major Alabama-ness (football) or other important events.

Fifthly, I could be finished with all of my stressful undergrad credits before I left and just enjoy a last collegiate semester of dance and Italian.

Sixthly, I would be fresh "off the boat" from Italy for my interviews with Delta and my Italian efficiency tests. I can't imagine a better way to prepare for those than spending 4 months in the country whose language I hope to be using in my career. :)

So there you go. I will be in Tuscaloosa, Alabama for this fall--my last semester at UA! And then I will spend the spring in Florence, Italy, and get to see this every day:

It is going to be a fantastic year. :)

Breathe In, Breathe Out

I barely have time to breathe, let alone think.

This weekend from here on out goes as follows:

2:00-2:50: Political Science test (which I'd better OWN)

3:00-5:00: Office hours at Rick Miller's computer working out kinks in the Practicum schedule

5:00-5:30: APO Member Meeting

5:30-7:00: Go out to my car, scramble for food and park closer to Morgan auditorium

7:00-10:00: Master Class with Bill Reed

10:00-??: APO Hell Week Event

Saturday

10:00-1:00: Master Class with Bill Reed (in which I'm singing! AHH.)

1:00-2:00: Run to get some food

2:00-5:00: Master Class with Bill Reed

5:00-7:00: Hopefully see some smiling faces, but mostly just trying to find dinner

7:00-9:30: working the box office for Morgan LIVE!

9:30-1:00am: prepping for and performing at Guerrilla Theatre

Sunday

11:00-12:30: Church at the Vineyard

12:30-Monday morning: COLLAPSE

That, my friends, is a busy weekend. Did I mention I also have to start studying for a biology test, outline a research paper, and fill out all of the applications for Capstone International, Academic Programs International, and International Honors Program scholarships??

I think I'll only make it through this weekend by following sage advice from Kris Kringle in "Santa Claus Is Coming To Town":

Put one foot in front of the other.

Today at 4:15

I walk to the water fountain every two seconds,

My mouth eternally, hopelessly dry.

My clammy hands shake with increasing vigor

For I know my time of performance is nigh.

My heart flies into my throat for a moment,

Stalling a needed and deep breath of air.

My face turns white and my legs feel like jell-o.

White-knuckled, I grip the arms of my chair.

I sit silently in wait 'til I hear my professor

Call my self's unfortunate name

With wobbly legs, I walk to the piano

Praying my pulse will miraculously tame.

I stand for a couple of awkward moments

As my accompanist tries to find the right page.

Waiting, I give a shy smile to an audience

Of incredibly talented students my age.

The pianist starts slow, so I must sing faster

To get her to the play the right tempo and pace.

Distracted, I forget to mind my own singing,

And get through the first lines with much less than grace.

I finally settle into my song,

And though I'm more focused, I unfortunately know

It will be impossible to sing like I could

If I were not trembling from head to toe.

If you have never been allergic to adrenaline

Or had an overly active heart,

You can have no idea how helpless I feel.

Taking my medicine would have been smart.

I finish my song without too much embarrassment

And take my seat before applause subsides.

Of course, as soon as I'm back in my chair,

There is calm in the place where my thrashing heart hides.

What a joy to sing for my peers.

"How NOW shall we live?"

We elected a man whose promotion of government threatens the very foundation of our country. We see the danger of his motions, but we stand idly by and watch our freedom teeter on the edge of disintegration.

The attitude that so many Americans share of "There's nothing I can do about it" is a tragedy. This country was designed to give power to the people. Watching one man put enormous cracks in our foundation while shrugging our shoulders is an ignorant mistake. We are ungrateful. We will not realize what we have until it's gone.

What is it, then, that we stand for now?

Does nothing move us? Does nothing motivate us to act?

We are called to more than this.