Audition Stress and Vocal Mess

I have to admit that the most stressful part about being an actor/singer for me is auditioning. Once I have a role or job, I'm good to go. Stage fright is not something I have ever struggled with, and I have never been one of those actors who wakes up in a cold sweat after a dream about forgetting lines or wearing the wrong costume. Memorizing comes easily to me. I find character analysis fun and interesting. But finding, applying for, and preparing for auditions is something over which I find myself losing sleep.

Usually, actors have to find an opportunity for auditions WAY before the audition actually happens. Auditions often require prior submission of paper applications, headshots, and fees. Once all of that has been taken care of, we're left with a month or two to obsess about monologue choices and song cuts, spending hours over-analyzing the order in which we perform said monologue/song, and timing how long it takes to say "Hi, I'm Katherine Lee Parker, number 43," complete the audition, and say "Thank you, Katherine Lee Parker, number 43."

We only get 90 seconds to represent ourselves to our potential employers. 90 seconds to convince a director that we're perfect for a role in a show that he's been thinking about and planning on directing for over a year. That is A TON of pressure! Finding a way to say "This is exactly who I am as a performer" in 90 seconds is nearly impossible. We can't waste a moment of it. And every second of that audition needs to be perfection.

I recently underwent a great deal of the stress of audition-prep without having the opportunity to reap any of the rewards. I signed up for the Alabama screening of Southeastern Theatre Conference, a giant convention to which hundreds of professional theatres turn to find their actors for summer shows. It is a fantastic opportunity for college students to build their resumes during the summer break and a great way to make connections in the theatre world. After completing my application, getting references, submitting my headshot, and sending in the $25 application fee, I began mulling over possibilities for audition material. But as I began to sing through my options, I found that my voice was much raspier than usual. My talking voice grew steadily frog-like and I had trouble sustaining notes when I sang. My voice would crack at unexpected times, and I struggled through songs that would ordinarily have come quite easily to me.

I have had a vocal condition called "nodules" two other times in my life, and I became very concerned (if not fearful) that the blisters had resurfaced on my vocal chords for a third time. One visit to the ENT proved my self-diagnosis to be correct, and I am now on my second straight week of vocal rest (the unfortunate but effective treatment of nodules). As a result of not being able/allowed to sing, I could not attend SETC last weekend and my chances for finding summer work with the theatres who "shop" at the conference became inexistent. I was really disappointed that I was robbed of the opportunity to audition this year. Luckily, SETC is not the only conference out there.

I'm now scrambling to find other conferences and auditions where I will get the chance to put in my bid for summer work, and I have already begun a couple of applications. Fortunately, those auditions don't happen until February and March of next semester and my vocal chords will have sufficient time to heal. I will also have sufficient time to obsess about and over-analyze my 90 seconds of self-representation to death.

I have five more weeks of vocal rest left. Refraining from singing is terribly difficult for me, and it's even more difficult to try to prepare for other upcoming auditions while not being able to sing through cuts of songs. I'm willing to do it, though. This is the life I have chosen for myself and while this one aspect of it is very stressful, it is an incredible life.

Where has the time gone?

I feel like I blinked and it's October. I do love October, though. The weather, especially in the first weeks, is absolutely stunning. It's such a wonderful time to be a student at Alabama. This campus never looked prettier than it does today. (Plus, it doesn't hurt that we have the best football team in the country and are currently in the throws of our second "perfect season.")

I obviously haven't written on here in a while. Life has gotten very busy and taken me on quite the adventure this semester, but you won't find me complaining.

I'm in the rehearsal process of a fantastic show called "The Bourgeois Gentlemen" in which I play a character WITH A NAME! Which has been, up to this point, unheard of for me at this university. The cast is incredibly talented and handling the very funny, very difficult text quite well. Our director is absolutely amazing--I've never seen anyone direct with as much energy or enthusiasm. He's everything I would want to be as a director. And we open in 13 days! It is crazy exciting. I can't wait to get started.

I've been able to hold on to my awesome job despite having rehearsals every day, which has been a blessing. I'm obviously not making nearly as much money right now because I work one morning a week, but I'm very lucky to have a job to return to after the show is finished. Especially such a great one where I get to work with my best friend.

Classes are difficult but not overwhelming. I'm enjoying my Dance 210 class, which is full of the new musical theatre students. I am the only upperclassman in the class, and it's been a wonderful opportunity to get to mentor some of the younger students and get to know them better. We dance together outside of class once a week just for fun, to stretch and help each other out. I love getting to spend time with the freshmen. They're all so vivacious and silly. A breath of fresh air. My Italian class is challenging, which is exciting for me because I feel like I'm being pushed to learn quickly and put a lot of effort into the class. It will definitely help me in preparing for my Italian Language Certification in the flight attendant application process.

I've gotten to spend a lot more time with my friends this semester than I have in the past, and it has been AMAZING! I love having free time to meet up with Rebekah for lunch or dinner before rehearsal or with Donna at the rec to kick our butts into shape. I've never had an easy time forming friendships with females for a long list of reasons established in high school, but this summer and fall have been wonderful for me in that area. Rebekah, Jordan, Donna, and Rachel are such blessings in my life. And I've been able to form closer relationships with the kids in the theatre department, which hasn't really happened until this year. It's been a fantastic change of pace. I have especially loved getting to know Michelle better. We run a "Member/Pledge Family" in Alpha Psi Omega where we get together with some of the freshmen and just get some quality time in. We're the mama bears to our bear family. And she's awesome.

And speaking of awesome friends I'm getting to know better, I've recently started a new relationship with Mister Norman Frank, who is handsome and wonderful and oh-so-good to me. It's a new situation so I don't have a whole lot to report on it as of now, other than that I'm very happy.

Between rehearsals, work, classes, friendships, Alpha Psi Omega, and a budding relationship, it's no wonder I find myself halfway through the semester without realizing how fast time is flying. This senior year is going to be over before I know it. And then what? Maybe flight attending, maybe getting a second bachelor's degree, maybe going to grad school...the options are endless. The world is wide open, and I'm so excited about seeing where it takes me.

Unknowns

If, doubled over,

There is pain

Like the stab

Of a knife in the flesh,

But no blood flow,

What is it?

If, eyes brimming,

There are tears

Like the rush

Of the falls,

But no cause for sadness,

What is it?

If, arms embraced,

There's a surge

Like the shock

Of a bolt, tips to toes,

But no love,

What is it?

What is it about the

What-is-its

That make us so scared

To find out

What it is?

Blogging is Complicated

I wrote a poem today about a way in which my best friend hurt me this summer. I posted it on here earlier and have now taken it down... I have no idea if he saw it or not, but for some reason I felt weird about it being on here. It's hard to know what will hurt people and therefore quite difficult to know what exactly is worth posting. While it'd be nice to get feedback on my poem and let people know what I've been going through, I also don't want to make a tough situation worse by hurting feelings when healing should be taking place. Blogging creates a bit of a conundrum... This is a place to write about feelings and reflect on life, but one must be aware of how their writing affects other people. I suppose a poem like that would be better for an off-line journal.

I think protecting the feelings of others is probably more important than expressing my not-so fantastic feelings towards them in the heat of the moment.

There's a lot to be said for freedom.

It's amazing how easily we, as Americans, forget how blessed we are to live in this country with the liberties our forefathers were able to secure for us. It's even more amazing to me how willing we are to allow those liberties to be tampered with, to slowly peter away. We forget how difficult it was to procure these freedoms in the first place; we allow our country's history--the blood shed out of passion for American rights--to become simple trivia. "Oh yeah, 7,200 Americans died in battle during the Revolutionary War." ...yeah. 7,200 Americans. Forget your 300 Fake Jeopardy dollars and realize that 7,200 lives were given up for your sake! For all of our sakes. And that was just on the battle field. Yet another 10,000 died from either disease or exposure and an estimated 8,500 died in British prisons (according to digitalhistory.uh.edu). The numbers speak for themselves. Our freedom was bought at an enormous price.

We seem entitled to our way of life--that it's not extraordinary that we are allowed to speak, work, pray, and live as we please. I think this ignorance and sense of entitlement is what blinds so many to the dangers of extended government control. The more limitations we have over us, the less ability we have to live our lives as we please. It's not rocket science. Unfortunately, people are willing to hand control over to the government in far too many areas, even to the extent of endangering themselves in matters of self-defense.Thank God for the Supreme Court's ruling that Chicago's handgun ban was unconstitutional. The fact that it even had to go to the Supreme Court is the real tragedy. The truth is, the bad guys are always going to have guns. Whether they're banned or not. But enough people thought it was a good idea to take away the only defense the good people of Chicago had against armed attackers because just maybe the criminal minds of Chicago would heed the gun ban. What a joke! The right to bear arms, ensured for Americans in the 2nd Amendment of the Constitution, is a GIFT. To see it as anything else is foolishness. We have the right to protect ourselves. Not everyone is allowed such a freedom.

I could go on all day about the ways in which current bills/laws (cough...health care...) are encroaching upon the freedoms that were hard-won by those who came before us. But what I really want to say is that America needs to open its eyes. Look around at the incredible opportunities we're provided because our forefathers refused to settle for anything less than complete freedom. We, too, MUST not settle. If we do, we'll forfeit what so many others would give everything to have.

The American's Creed

By William Tyler Page

I believe in the United States of America as a government of the people, by the people, and for the people; whose just powers are derived from the consent of the governed; a democracy in a republic; a sovereign Nation of many sovereign States; a perfect union, one and inseparable; established upon those principles of freedom, equality, justice, and humanity, for which American patriots sacrificed their lives and fortunes.

I therefore believe it is my duty to my country to love it, to support its Constitution, to obey its laws, to respect its flag, and to defend it against all enemies.

224 years ago today, the Founding Fathers decided that what we now have was worth fighting for. I believe with my whole self that they were right. And I will not take their sacrifices for granted.

Happy birthday, America. May you always be the land of the free and the home of those brave enough to fight for you.

The Summer Plan

It is so easy to fall into the thought pattern of, "Well, when I get out of college, that will be my real 'new start.' That will be the launch of my real life." But what if I want my new start to start...now? I don't want to have to wait a year for my real life to begin. I'm tired of waking up with the same mental processes. I'm stuck. I'm a nut in a rut, as they say. And while where I am is ok, I'd really like to aim for an unprecedented incredible.

This summer, I'd like to rejuvenate myself physically, mentally, and spiritually. How? Well, I'll tell you the plan. :)

I have begun to get out of my physical rut by going to classes at the rec, and my body already feels better. It's an amazing sensation to not be stagnant, to be able to feel improvement in my muscles and joints. I'm in pain most of the time, because we all know that the beginning of a new work-out routine is nothing but pain, but I'm excited for the day that I wake up and just feel refreshed and ready for a new physical challenge. It's coming. I can feel it.

My schedule is:

Mondays- 30 minutes of cardio (elliptical) and Arms, Back, and Belly from 1:15-2 with my favorite instructor Brook

Tuesdays- 30 minutes of cardio, Mat Pilates from 12:10-1, and Hips, Butts, and Guts from 2:15-3

Wednesdays- 30 minutes of cardio and Arms, Back, and Belly from 4-4:45 (as long as work allows)

Thursdays- 30 minutes of cardio and Mat Pilates from 12:10-1

Fridays- 30 minutes of cardio and Hips, Butts, and Guts from 1:15-2 (WITH BROOK!)

That makes 6 classes a week, with cardio every day. I'll rest on the weekends, unless I feel like doing cardio.

I'm also going to be playing tennis with Russ sometimes, which makes me happy. It'll be a good work out and good friend time as well.

Mentally, I just want to be more open-minded. I'm going to work each day to have a more positive outlook than the last, and when I find myself slumping back into the same patterns that get me into my negative place, I'm going to catch myself. If what I'm doing at the time isn't helping my mental state, I'm going to leave where I am. I'll change my plans for the day. I'll change my behavior. Whatever it takes. I'm not settling for a summer containing any kind of self-loathing, self-pity, or self-demoralization. I have control over what I allow myself to encounter and a loving Father in heaven to help me when I'm too weak to see the good in myself.

I'm also going to always be reading a good book. I have a shelf full of amazing novels and nonfiction awesomeness that will be highly instrumental in helping me expand my mind this summer. Right now, I'm aiming to finish "Catch 22" in the next 2 weeks. It's a incredible book, and I can't wait to blog about how much I love it. :)

And spiritually, I'm going to make it a point to be at the Vineyard every Sunday morning. And I'm going to be actively searching for a Wednesday night worship service for the summer. Because I love those. And, of course, I need to make myself a schedule for when I can spend time in the Word. Cause I'm really bad about making time for such things. And what could be more important?? Nothing. That's what.

So those are the goals. I'm just...really not ready to settle right now. There's no reason to do so. Life is too short and too full of opportunity to waste.

Kansas City, May 18, 12:07 P.M.

My trip is coming to a close. It is time that it did, as I have many things to do back in Tuscaloosa, but I am so glad that I’ve had the time away that I have! My visit with Claire was fantastic.

From the airport on Saturday night, we went straight to her apartment, which is right off of the KU campus. I got in terribly late because of the flight difficulties in Memphis (6 hours of iPod bonding), so we couldn’t really do anything “fun,” but we had a good time catching up just the same. After some chatter and some amazing Pizza Shuttle pepperoni with extra cheese, we popped Clueless into the DVD player and I conked out wayyy before it was over. We woke up late on Sunday and ate leftover pizza for breakfast, packed up, and left to explore! Claire drove me through campus and showed me the buildings she spends most of her time in. KU’s campus is gorgeous; the buildings are made of beautiful, huge stone and are architecturally stunning. I’m really glad I got tour while we were there. J

After we left KU, we drove to Lenexa, where the Shelleys live, and went to the Nelson, a huge museum with an amazing modern art wing. Unfortunately, we didn’t have enough time for the whole museum, but we did get to peruse the modern art section for a good while. They have an awesome collection. I loved it. And I loved getting to go with Claire! I feel so uneducated when I talk about the art with a learned student like herself. I tend to murmur things about perspective, shading, and stroke patterns, most of which are likely way off base. But it was still fun.

After the Nelson, we drove to the Shelley’s house and ate dinner with Mr. and Mrs. Shelley. It was good to catch up with them, and the lasagna was delicious. We left from there to see “Date Night,” the absolutely hilarious movie starring Steve Carrel and Tina Fey that made me laugh so hard I cried multiple times. When we got back to the house, I got to catch up with Russell for a while, which was great. Kinda weird. But great.

The next day was an airport attempt, which failed, followed by an awesome night of pasta and my first hookah experience in Lawrence near Claire’s college apartment. Hookah is fun and weird. I won't be making a habit of it or anything, but that will probably not be the last time I do it. Never let it be said that not getting a seat on a flight home is the worst thing that could happen. Claire and I really enjoyed our extra night together. She practiced tattooing with henna on my foot, creating a design I’ve considered putting there for some time. I’m following Mom’s advice, going the fake route for an extended amount of time to figure out how tired of it I’m going to get. J When we were both exhausted, we drove home to Lenexa and slept at the Shelley’s house before coming to the airport this morning.

Our days were obviously very full of adventures, but we had great conversations along the way. Claire is an amazing person, so full of creativity and independence. She is strong and funny and ready to put her passion into practice in the world. She’s going to be an incredible tattoo artist, and she’s going to have a wonderful opportunity through her field to reach the lost and tell them how much Christ loves them.

We’re thinking about living together in Atlanta (Buckhead or Decatur) once I’ve graduated and been hired by Delta and she has an apprenticeship set up with a tattoo parlor in the city. I’m pretty darn excited about it. J

I’m sad to be ending my journey today, but I’ve certainly imposed on Claire and her family for long enough. It is time to return to sweet home Alabama. I will be happy to be settled back into my apartment and my own bed. I’ve had enough airports, at least for the next 5 days or so.

I am content. I feel like I’ve put a lot of distance between myself and the frustrations I left in Tuscaloosa on Friday. I’m really excited about this summer and all of the opportunity it holds for me. Life is so, so good. Even when it’s hard.

I would like to make a side note. My family was amazing and so helpful this weekend whenever I called for advice or help listing for one flight or another. And they never gave me a hard time about how ridiculous it was to take on a trip of this magnitude. I love them with my whole self.